BET Awards: The Recap

Let's take it from the top, folks:

7:05: Tuning in to the BET Pre-Show. Why are Terrence and Rocsi talking so much? Does Julissa even still work at BET? And why are they not interviewing any celebrities?!?

7:30: Flip over to E! Whew! At least someone knows how to put on a red carpet special. E! did in 30 minutes what BET couldn't manage in 2 hours.

8:00: Showtime.

8:03: I'm cowering under my bed for fear that Jennifer Holliday is going to come through the TV and attack me. Her facial expressions scare me.

8:10: Mo'Nique and her "Big Girl Dancers" are working it out on stage. I think Mo has an unhealthy obsession with Beyonce, but yet, couldn't take the time to actually learn the lyrics to "Deja Vu"?

8:15: I'm mad that Beyonce seemed to forget Michelle's name, but at least she gave Ne-Yo credit for writing "Irreplaceable" and allowed the video director to share the stage (but not get a word in edgewise). I know she was hot and uncomfortable in that dress. Ahh...the price of beauty.

8:20: What does Diana Ross know about T.I.? Little man is too cute...but his performance was a bit of a yawn.

8:30: Ne-Yo is flat and boring. Even a "surprise" appearance by Fabolous didn't help none.

8:45: BET is notorious for not turning people's microphones on. Poor Lil' Kim. While I like "Last Night," Keyshia, you should have ditched Diddy and performed your new track, which is the official summer banger! And you needs to learn to walk and dance in heels, hon. Ask Beyonce.

9:00: Here we go. It's the hardest working woman in show business...Beyonce! This was the first time I've ever heard "Get Me Bodied." It's alright.

9:05: And here's Kelly. Um, Kelly, I think Wonder Woman needs her costume back. But your legs look fab. Eve is working that mini dress and boots combo.

9:08: It's DC3, plus Solange.

9:15: I'm so proud of T.I. for being a big (little) man and apologizing for the scuffle he and some "colleagues" got into over the weekend. Word on the skreet is that he and Luda had a little tussle over who should have won the Grammy for Best Rap Album. Come on, T.I. That was like 6 months ago, boo. Let it go.

9:20: Robin Thicke, I love you and I think you're super-talented, but you need to get a new song. You know it time when you have to resort to trying to make "Lost Without You" sound "latin."

9:30: The Gerald LeVert tribute is touching.

9:45: Why is 50 Cent acting a str8 up fool? But I blame BET for giving him the mic in the first place.

9:50: Did ya'll catch the Vitamin Water plug? Can't say 50 is not about his business.

9:55: Is BET for real? They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but they're taking it too far with the new reality shows debuting in July. "Baldwin Hills" aka the Black "Laguna Beach/The Hills" and "S.O.B's" aka D.L. Hughely cheap version of "Punk'd." BET can't even buy a clue. Moving on...

10:00: All bow down to the diva...Miss Diana Ross. The Boss.

10:05: I wonder where Erykah Badu got that wig from. I think I need it in my life for Halloween.

10:07: OK, so is Stevie Wonder the official go-to-guy when it comes to tributes?

10:15: Diana has all thosse kids? For real? Tracee Ellis Ross, you look hot to death. I have a (girl) crush on you. Call me!

10:17: Oh look, it's Rhonda Ross' daddy, Berry Gordy. But why's he sitting in the back? Come on Diana, you know that ain't right. He's your baby daddy.

10:20: Look at Diane trying to play the mommy roll and telling the young kids they need to stop cussin' and droppin' it like it's hot. Cute, but it's not gonna make a bit of difference.

10:30: Tichina looks mad as heck that she didn't win Best Actress.

I nod off for a quick nap....during Don Cheadle's honor. I know, I know. He's doing good by bringing awareness to the crisit in Darfur. But even he knew that BET was grasping at straws to pick him to honor. Just goes to show that Black entertainers need to actually start using their money and fame for good, and not just to buy bling and rims.

10:45: Oh, Ciara. So busy dancing you forgot to sing. And Keanu Reeves wants his "Matrix" moves back. But you sure did the damn thing, droppin' it like it's hot right in front of Bow Wow's cheating-behind.

10:50: Who left the gate open and let Flavor Flav in? I'm confused as to why Public Enemy is doing the James Brown tribute. Where's Usher?

11:00: That's all folks.

Oh, you want to know who won? Who cares?!? There were more performances than awards handed out anyway.

My advice to BET: Stop trying to copy everything MTV has already done. You're more than a few days late, and clearly, more than a few dollars short on the budget. Upgrade the sound system; only invite performers who are relevant and have NEW material to sing; and it's OK to cue the music and cut the acceptance speeches short if folks are getting to long winded. It's OK - we defintely won't be mad.

Oh, and please fire whoever's bright idea it was to invite readers to submit home videos of themselves introducding the nominees. Tomfoolery at it's finest.